was birth an empowering experience?

I have never heard the phrase ‘you birth the way you live’. At first, I was thinking, no, I didn’t birth the way I live. I live strong and mostly in control and independent. Then, I gave it a little more thought. I have kidded that I didn’t give birth; I had my children surgically removed. This statement is true. I had C-sections with both pregnancies. I did give birth to three children, though and this is an opportunity to explore that a little further.
I tend to face difficult thing slightly to the side. A lot of people say they face things head-on, and this has even been said of me. But I like to think that when things get really difficult or scary, I prepare myself to be caught off balance; A little to the side and leaning into things. I come to terms with the inevitable and shore myself up to face whatever’s coming.
Well, I know it sound like I was terrified of giving birth. The truth is, I was. It’s not something I had ever done before and I knew it was going to be painful. I’ve had plenty of physical pain in my life and I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to do something on purpose that was going to put me in pain. And yet, I knew I wanted a child and I wanted to give birth to that child. So there I was, pregnant for the first time at age 37. I was around a lot of other mothers and they had all made it through the process just fine. I could do this too. What other choice did I have?
I didn’t have any doubt that I would have a normal pregnancy and give birth after hours of labor. After all, what are these big hips for. Little did I know that there was a curve ball waiting down the road for me. I started bleeding. I headed to the hospital. The doctor checked me and the news wasn’t good. I had a placental abruption and I wasn’t going anywhere. Days turned into weeks and all I could do was sit in bed, watch Dr. Phil and think about how I was going to have this baby.
Up until that point, my pregnancy wasn’t completely real to me. I wasn’t in denial. I just didn’t want to get my hopes up. It had taken me a year and a half down the road to infertility to get pregnant. Was it real? Well, lying in bed all day with nothing else to do makes it as real as it can get. I started to really bond with this baby growing in me. After all, it was usually just her and me. I loved feeling her grow inside me. I looked forward to the twice a day heartbeat monitoring. I got to see her in a lot of ultrasounds. How cool is that! I looked forward to meeting her, but still not so much the way she was going to arrive.
When she had finally gotten to a safe gestational age, we all decided that it was time to meet her. Let me stop here and say, I really wanted this birth to be as drug free as possible. I have nothing against people who get epidurals; it just freaked me out to think of having someone place a needle in my back. Or anywhere else for that matter. I didn’t want to be induced. I think far too many pregnancies are made more difficult because of medical interventions. I think our bodies are capable of handling alot more than we sometimes ask of them. But there I was with this decision. It was time. I hadn’t really let myself think about how serious a problem I had, but I was smart enough to know that it was time. So, the pitocin drip started and I had my first contraction. There was not much to it. This went on for 12 hours. Up the pitocin. Contractions. Nothing very exciting. Finally, the Doctor asked what I wanted to do. Hmmm. I really want to go home. And I really want to stop worrying about bleeding. So, C-section it was.
Because I had been in the hospital for so long, and had been rushed to labor and delivery more than once, I had a really good idea of what was going to happen. I had pretty much overcome my fear of needles and IV’s. Not so much for the spinal, but I shored myself up and faced that too. A few minutes later, my life as a mother began! That part was wonderful, but I carried some disappointment that I wasn’t able to actually ‘give birth’.
Gradually the disappointment over not giving birth was replaced by confidence and happiness at being a mother. I realized that HOW they get here is not nearly as important as them actually being here.
When I discovered with my second pregnancy that I was having twins, all hopes of actually giving birth vanished. But I was OK with that. I bonded earlier with them and didn’t feel cheated with the birthing experience. I was much more relaxed because I knew what was coming.
So, did I birth the way I live. Yes. Was it empowering? In some ways. Motherhood has actually been more empowering. Has it affected me long term? Yes. I think it has. I’ve had to let my guard down and rely on other people…something that is very difficult for me. I would have more, even if I had to have C-sections. It is a great feeling to know what your body has accomplished. And I love being a mother.